Hey guys! I’m new to WordPress, so to get a feel for the site and how it suits my hobbies of reviewing movies, my first reviews/posts will be ones that I’ve already written. In the spirit of the new year, I will be posting only my “Top 10” and “Bottom 5” movies of 2015 (or at least for the ones I wrote reviews for). Enjoy and let me know what everyone thinks. 🙂
Despite an awesome 90’s childhood, I can’t quite say that I’m a Chipmunks fan. I may have seen a little bit of the old TV show and two of the movies. Didn’t hate them, just didn’t care about them. However, there have now been, what, a grand total of four live-action Chipmunks movies? I honest to God can’t remember if I’ve seen the first one. I think I did and just don’t remember it, which isn’t a very good sign. Even if I have seen it, I’m pretty sure that I’m not missing out. If the ratings that I’ve seen on the three previous movies are any indication, I’m really not. That being said, I was NOT looking forward to this movie one bit. So why did I see it? Because I wasn’t paying for it. That, and I had a TON of time to kill and wanted to see THE BIG SHORT too. But I knew if I saw that first, I wouldn’t want to end the movie binge on a low note.
Alvin (voiced by Justin Long), Simon (voiced by Matthew Gray Gubler), and Theodore (voiced by Jesse MaCartney) try to throw their dad Dave (Jason Lee) a farewell party for when he leaves for Miami on a business trip. But their antics get out of hand, which obviously gets them into trouble, but that doesn’t stop their plans to spend a little time together playing mini-golf. But much to their surprise, Dave’s invited his girlfriend Samantha (Kimberly Williams-Paisley) and her son Miles (Josh Green) to join them. Turns out that while Samantha is a sweetheart, Miles is an immediate bully to the boys. Things don’t get much better when the boys discover that Dave has an engagement ring that they believe Dave will give to Samantha. This frightens the boys as they loathe the idea of having Miles as a brother, to which the feeling is mutual. But as Dave has invited Samantha to go with him to Miami, and the two have a great time there, the boys and Miles go on a road trip to break up their parents and live their lives separately.
Can I face-palm myself? Oh my dear sweet Jesus, it was so bad. So yeah, this is going to be a short review, folks.
Like I said before, I’m no fan of the Chipmunks, but I can remember watching the original show and movies and liking them. Their references to modern pop culture were minimum, containing their stories to just their own little world. They were timeless. Kids of all ages can enjoy them, but it was that kind of show that even parents could sit and enjoy with them. But these movies… pee AND poop jokes all in a single scene? Where was that humor in the original shows and movies? They weren’t there. Wanna know why? BECAUSE IT’S NOT FUNNY!!! I don’t give two flying fucks if kids were laughing at that, they’re kids. You could say ANY word at them and they’ll laugh. THEY’RE KIDS!!! But even kids know that most anything belted out by Pixar is a better movie and those movies are timeless! Learn something, kids movies!
I think the cardinal sin of this movie, aside from the fact that people have to pay to see it, is that the morals of this movie are shot to shit. There are no consequences. Alvin throws a party that gets out of hand and a huge mess is made. Does Alvin get punished for it? He gets his name yelled really loud by Dave. But no. No punishment. He still gets to go mini-golf the next day. Alvin goes on a road trip from California to Florida against Dave’s knowledge, ruins a proposal (not Dave’s), nearly gets Theodore killed (yeah, that happens), but does Dave punish them? Nothing beyond a simple, “stay in your room.” Oh my god, this is not how kids would be punished. Alvin doesn’t learn his lesson at the end, he still gets what he wants, it’s practically a character study in how kids become unruly due to bad parenting. What will kids get out of this? Do wild and crazy things and nothing bad will happen, or if something bad does happen, there’s no consequences. That’s what kids will learn and I am expected to accept? Please, Chipmunks movie, at your earliest convenience, kiss my ass!
However, as bad as it was, I have to admit that the only really good thing about the movie was the adult actors. While I’m sure Green can act okay, his character hits the mark of EVERY cliche teenager that you can imagine. No, I’m talking about Lee as Dave. He’s actually kind of likable. Granted, he’s dull and not very interesting, but considering how painful the rest of the movie is, that’s an upgrade. Also, I’ve always loved Williams-Paisley. Although she isn’t given any funny lines, and her character is poorly written as well, SHE is still kind of getting away with it. And it’s always a fun pleasure to see Tony Hale in anything. He’s also not funny in this movie, but by God is he trying hard and I still just love his facial expressions. But the real surprise was seeing Netflix’s ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK Uzo Aduba (Crazy Eyes) as a TSA officer. I have to admit, she kind of saved the pee/poop scene. Not by much, but kind of.
This movie is atrocious. I love the adult talent on this film, but it just doesn’t save it from being a terrible movie. Why do people say yes to this shit? Oh well, at least I saw BIG SHORT after to wash this taste out of my mouth.