Oh man, am I not looking forward to this one.
This movie looks like it’s about a group of childhood friends, but one of them comes out as gay. While the other friends are fine with it, the best friend somehow can’t handle it because when the gay friend gets a boyfriend, it becomes a competition for his time. Am I the only one getting a “gay people are bad” vibe from this? I’m not sure what’s worse. Is this movie intending that, or is it accidental? I honestly can’t tell, but I’m already pretty leery toward this movie and early ratings aren’t reassuring me. IMDb has it at 5.5/10 (as of 9/4/2017) and RottenTomatoes has it at a 50% (as of 9/4/2017). I could be wrong, and I certainly don’t want this movie to be bad, but… it probably is.
While I’m not familiar with most of the cast, I’ll jot down either who I am familiar with and/or their projects. Starring, we have Alfonso Dosal, known for 3 IDIOTAS (2017). In support, we have Humberto Busto (DINOSHARK  and AMORES PERROS ), Ignacia Allamand (KNOCK KNOCK  and THE GREEN INFERNO ), Ariel Levy (THE GREEN INFERNO), and Aislinn Derbez, whose work I’m not familiar with, but she’s the daughter of Eugenio Derbez, who is considered to be one of the greatest Hispanic comedians in Mexico, and has made his way to American cinemas in recent years.
Now for the crew. Co-writing the screenplay alongside the director is Guillermo Amoedo, known for KNOCK KNOCK and THE GREEN INFERNO. Composing the score is Manuel Riveiro, known for KNOCK KNOCK and THE GREEN INFERNO. Jesus, it’s a reunion. Why are these filmmakers, who are known for horror/torture porn films, making a romantic comedy about homosexuality?! The red flags be flying higher than American flags on Independence Day. Finally, the cinematographer is Antonio Quercia, known for let me freakin’ guess, KNOCK KNOCK and THE GREEN INFERNO. What the hell?!
Overall, the real horror of this project is that the filmmakers are known for one genre and trying to tackle the polar opposite. This… is going to suck, isn’t it?
This is my honest opinion of: HAZLO COMO HOMBRE / DO IT LIKE AN HOMBRE
The story follows three childhood friends, Santiago (Alfonso Dosal), Eduardo (Humberto Busto), and Raúl (Mauricio Ochmann). Santiago is about to get married to Raúl’s sister Nati (Aislinn Derbez), but one day figures out that he’s gay. Raúl doesn’t take the news well and sets out to try and convince Santiago that he’s confused and cure him of his “condition.”
Fuck this movie. Seriously, fuck this movie. This is easily one of the worst movies I’ve seen all year. It’s hateful, disgusting, and is a brutal beating to my senses on so many different aspects. You know what it is? It’s a homophobic hate film that’s wearing the bloodied carved-out face of comedy as a mask and parading itself around like it’s clever and thinks that I can’t tell what a fucked up piece of shit it really is underneath.
Let’s dive right into this, shall we? I mentioned how it’s homophobic. Yeah, the main character, Raúl, states throughout the entire movie that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured and if you’re gay, you are somehow not a normal person. In the “coming out” scene, Raúl is constantly screaming, “But we play video games, we love superhero movies!” You make logical sense out of that one. He even goes to therapy for it. Not even fucking kidding. Initially, he’s in therapy to work on his relationship with his wife and unborn son. But he starts making frequent trips to his therapist throughout the movie, talking about how bad homosexuality is and what he can do to convince Santiago that he’s just sick. He takes him to a “gay camp” essentially. You wanna know what kind of horseshit this camp is? I only barely mean this figuratively, it’s horses. Yes, this movie’s gay camp, the place where gay people go to cure themselves of homosexuality, is petting a horse. Petting… a horse…
Anyone else might look at this movie and go, “Well then this movie should be simple. He’s intolerable of his friend’s sexuality, so he has no friends anymore, right?” NO!!! That would imply that this movie takes place in a world that bares some semblance of realism! No, they stay friends until the end of the second act. That’s when the movie dives into some American clichés by having the three friends break apart and it’s only half way through the third act where the asshole of the group realizes his mistakes and tries to make up for it. Well, you might be going, “Well then it sounds like he technically has a character arch, so I guess it could have been worse, right? … Right?” WRONG!!! So beyond wrong! The movie pretends that Raúl has learned his lesson because by this point in the movie, he’s lost all of his friends due to his prejudices, lost his wife because she found out that he was messaging several hot women, and boasting to his friends that he cheats on his wife because since she’s been pregnant, she’s been “unbearable,” yeah, that’s a thing he’s done in this movie, and it’s only then that he starts apologizing! For all we fucking know, the fucker is just desperate to not be alone and is willing to lie to get some form of socializing back in his life with people who used to like him!
The closing shot of the movie is him taking care of his toddler son who is attached to a particular BRATZ doll, but try as he might, can’t get the boy to play with a dinosaur or soldier toy. His eye twitches and you see him back in therapy. Are you fucking kidding me?! His son is probably just a year old! This kid likely doesn’t even know what it means to like a guy or a girl in a romantic or sexual context! And he’s fucking worried that he’s gay?! Is that what the sequel is going to be about?! The same fucking thing I just sat through, but now his son it going to be the target of his intolerance?! The man NEVER learns a single mother fucking lesson!! He’s still the very same intolerant piece of filth that he was at the beginning of the movie!! There is nothing to like about him. He’s not funny, he’s not charming, and he’s the main fucking character!
It’s not even just Raúl either. His sister, Nati is just as intolerable of Santi’s bombshell. On top of the fact that Derbez’s overacting makes Jeremy Irons from DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (2000) look like Casey Affleck from MANCHESTER BY THE SEA (2016), as well as a squeamishly annoying scene of her talking to Santi’s dick like a baby, She is so unbelievably ignorant of how homosexuality works that she thinks all Santi needs is a penis-like thing in his ass. So her reaction: buy a strap-on. Do I really need to say anything?
But wait, it gets better. When it finally sinks in that he’s gay, she goes off on this loud, rage-fueled bit of complaining where she’s going to make active attempts to ruin his life because… she’s thirty… and won’t find someone anymore. Where do I start with this? First, take away the completely unattractive craziness that is her personality and just focus on the aesthetics, Nati is an attractive woman, thirty or no. This is a woman who will clearly age well in the coming years and attractive women are never at a loss for men waiting for their proverbial numbers to be called. Even during her raging, she knows she can find a guy who will know how much of a catch she is. So… problem solved, you asylum-bound bimbo!
But wait! It gets even better! To top off just what kind of freak show Nati truly is, every time a scene ends with her, usually consisting of her making a threat and a death-stare, she’s accompanied by a horror track. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fitting. Like, ridiculously fitting. Like, “Tim Burton making a Beetlejuice sequel” fitting. I’m absolutely convinced that the filmmakers thought this was clever and funny, but honestly, the track is so haunting that it’s actually kind of distracting. It’s something that would work just as effectively in a Conjuring movie, but not in this comedy about gay intolerance. I guess it’s no surprise that this would be the most fitting thing in the movie since the filmmakers’ most famous work is horror films.
This bizarre thing about her is after her strap-on incident, she’s almost completely absent from the film until toward the end. And she doesn’t act crazy anymore. Um… you can’t do that, movie. She’s a psychopath! You can’t have her act normal and expect me to take that shit seriously.
What else is there to rage about?
Even the scene where Santi comes out of the closet is done unbelievably. This scene goes on and on about rim jobs and anal sex. I can’t imagine anyone being this unfiltered about their bedroom activities. The therapy scenes are uncomfortable too. There’s this extremely weird bit the therapist does with Raúl and Luciana (Ignacia Allamand). In order to get them to be “in harmony” he does this thing he calls, “the turtle.” Hold your hands up together to your mouth like you’re about to shout, then take two breaths like you’re pumping yourself up to go into a sports game, then sigh, and as you sigh, separate your hands to form an invisible rainbow. Repeat. If you actually did it… thank you for giving me something to laugh at, but whether or not you actually did, you can probably tell just how silly it it. And what does any of that have to do with turtles??
At this point, I’m just going down the list of notes I took while watching the movie (don’t worry, I was sitting in the back row, phone set to the lowest possible brightness, and no one else in my row).
Oh my god! There’s also this bit with a gay camp. You know, the place you cruelly send a gay person to cleanse them of their homosexuality? Anyway, this particular gay camp’s method of doing so: pet a horse. Yes, you are reading that correctly. This was not a weird-fuck typo, this is what this gay camp does to remove homosexuality. And it’s got this insane scale that they have that measures homo and heterosexuality. Something about, “When he got here, he was a negative 70. Now, he’s a positive 20.” What the fuck?! How does this scale make sense?? I wouldn’t even know how to dissect it to understand the baffling logic… if that’s how any of this is operated by! You know what? It’s not operated by logic. You want to know how I know that? Because the founder of this gay camp says a line like, “With our technology today, we can have you straight in no time!” WHAT FUCKING TECHNOLOGY!?!?!? IT’S A GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING HORSE!!!
Guys… this is one of the most unbearable movies I’ve sat through this year. It’s laced in fear of homosexuality and tries to pass it off like it’s all in good fun, as if intolerance is a joke. If it isn’t obvious enough, I don’t recommend this movie. At all. I think you should run away. Don’t make the same mistake I did by PAYING ACTUAL MONEY to see this garbage. Don’t even sneak in to the theater to see it. It’s an hour and a half that you’re not getting back. You could have been watching literally anything else, and you’d have made a better choice. Don’t ever see it, not even as a rental. Spare your brain cells and the use of a stress ball for better purposes.
My honest rating for HAZLO COMO HOMBRE / DO IT LIKE AN HOMBRE: 1/5