Oh my god, please tell me Pinky and the Brain highjacked this movie’s weather machine and are finally in the process of taking over the world! Please! You can’t have something as stupid and ridiculous as a weather machine going haywire and not have Pinky and the Brain behind it!
So… it’s 2012 (2009) and SAN ANDREAS (2015), but with Gerard Butler. I have zero problem with this. Oh, I’m not expecting this to be a good film. Of course it’s not going to be. I don’t know how many times I’m going to say this in my review, but… the disaster porn is a result of a WEATHER MACHINE!!! I’m just here for the spectacle, y’all. Mindless entertainment is good for the soul every once in awhile.
Here’s the cast. Starring, we have the greatest gift of ham from Scotland, Gerard Butler, known for LONDON HAS FALLEN (2016), P.S. I LOVE YOU (2007), MRS. BROWN (1997) and upcoming films ANGEL HAS FALLEN (2018) and HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 3 (2019). In support, we have Jim Sturgess (STONEHEARST ASYLUM , CLOUD ATLAS , and ACROSS THE UNIVERSE ), Abbie Cornish (ROBOCOP , SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS , ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE , and upcoming film THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI  and TV show Tom Clancy’s JACK RYAN ), Eugenio Derbez (HOW TO BE A LATIN LOVER , JACK AND JILL , PLEDGE THIS! , and upcoming films THE NUTCRACKER AND THE FOUR REALMS  and SPEEDY GONZALEZ, no release date announced), Andy Garcia (PASSENGERS , OCEAN’S THIRTEEN , THE GODFATHER PART III , and the upcoming MAMMA MIA! HERE WE GO AGAIN ), and Ed Harris (MOTHER! , NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS , and THE ROCK ).
Now for the crew. Directing and co-writing, we have Dean Devlin, known for TV shows THE LIBRARIANS (2014 – 2016) and LEVERAGE (2008 – 2012). Devlin’s partner-in-pen is Paul Guyot, known for TV shows THE LIBRARIANS, LEVERAGE, and FELICITY (1999 – 2000). Composing the score is Lorne Balfe, known for THE FLORIDA PROJECT (2017), TERMINATOR: GENISYS (2015), and RANGO (2011). Finally, the cinematographer is Roberto Schaefer, known for MILES AHEAD (2016), 007 QUANTUM OF SOLACE (2008), and MONSTER’S BALL (2001).
Overall, yeah, this movie is going to suck, but I doubt it’s trying to be good. It’s just going to be mindless fun.
This is my honest opinion of: GEOSTORM
In 2019, the Earth went through a horrendous series of weather storms that caused terrible destruction. The weather issue was resolved when the space station nicknamed “Dutch Boy” was used to control the weather, its construction thanks in large part due to American hotshot genius Jack Lawson (Gerard Butler). However, his hotshot attitude has lead to him to being a troublemaker, causing him to be fired from leading the team that keeps Dutch Boy in proper functioning order, now headed by his younger brother Max (Jim Sturgess). But it’s soon discovered that something is wrong with Dutch Boy and the weather is getting all screwy again. To make matters worse, the problems aren’t accidental and might be sabotage within both the government and the space station itself.
Oh my god, I can’t believe I was only kind of wrong. Ha! This movie was awesome! But wait, wait, wait… according to the movie’s Wikipedia page this movie, “received negative reviews, with critics praising the special effects but calling the film as a whole ‘uninspired’.” What?! No! Don’t say it like that, you hoity toity critics, you!
Alrighty, if you happened to have read my summary, you’ll notice that this movie’s global apocalyptic weather starts in 2019. Yup, we’ve apparently got only two years or less before we have to figure out how to make technology that controls the weather, science! Get on that shit before we all die. I don’t even think this was more than a few seconds into the movie before I started snickering and realized, yup, this is going to be that kind of movie. I’m beyond excited by this point to see what else we have in stock.
I previously mentioned the quote from Wikipedia that says the critics praised the CGI and I disagreed with it. I hold to that. The CGI is awful. CG from the 90’s looked better than this. The tornadoes here look worse than from the movie TWISTER (1996). Having said that, the visuals are still very interesting and fun to watch. You see enormous tidal waves getting frozen over, frozen birds falling like hail storm, followed by a crashing airplane, buildings betting toppled over like a set of dominoes, skyscrapers getting submerged in water, giant lasers super heating Russia’s winter snow and setting everything on fire, lightning bolts zapping the ground and blowing cars up, it’s completely ridiculous to the umpteenth degree, but there’s not one second of this destruction that doesn’t have me thoroughly entertained. I’m constantly laughing with sick delight at all of it. There’s a sequence in space where Jake and Fassbinder (Alexandra Maria Lara) are in space suits trying to bring something back into the space station, but something goes wrong and someone hacks Jake’s space suit and attempts to fling him into space. Again, the effects are more akin to a video game’s cutscenes. Jake is moving around like a cartoon character, crashing into the hull of the station, destroying this thing and that thing, I even think there’s a bit where he’s sliding on the hull with his face. How the guy makes it out of the situation without even so much as a fractured arm, let alone his suit coming out with barely anything more than scratches is well beyond me. Either way, no, the CG is awful, but it is something to behold in its own right.
On top of it all, you have Butler helming a majority of the movie. I know there’s a wide belief that he’s not a very good actor, despite being in some pretty popular roles, like Leonidas in 300 (2006). Maybe I’m just a very forgiving amateur critic, but I don’t think he’s that bad. He emotes properly, he has expressions, and he always looks good holding a gun or kicking someone’s ass. I think he’s got tremendous charisma and always gives a hundred percent in anything that he does. Sure, he’s an over actor, but he’s still great as one. Hey, it’s better than being an actor who doesn’t even look like he’s trying. And try he certainly does in this. Jake is definitely a hotshot who needs things to be a certain way for other things to get done, knowing full well that the interference of big-wigs will only cause further problems. His opening scene in the court hearing is certainly longer than it needs to be, and the script is so poorly written, but I couldn’t help but love the character because he is so passionately hating on the politicians right to their faces that I’m silently cheering in my seat.
When I say the script is bad, it’s really bad. I can’t necessarily quote anything, so it’s not memorably bad, but it’s laughable. For example, the relationship between Max and Sarah (Abbie Cornish) is so awkward. They’re that couple that hides their relationship from the public eye because he’s a government official and she’s a secret service agent who directly protects President Palma (Andy Garcia), and they’re not allowed to fraternize. But they’re secretly seeing each other and they do that cliché of complimenting each other like they don’t know each other or trying to be professional about it. Lines will go something like,
I really like that blouse.
It’s the same one I always have on.
It’s so stupid, but both actors are owning the shit out of the lines that it becomes highly enjoyable anyway. Hell, that’s probably the best way to describe the humor. The lines themselves aren’t funny, but because they’re written so badly and the actors are trying as hard as they can to make them work, it sort of does in a hilariously sad kind of way. Beyond that, a lot of the characters speak in exposition, saying everyone’s back story in completely unnatural ways to the point where it’s as out of control as the planet’s weather, aww man, it’s a blast to listen to.
Pinky and the Brain were behind Dutch Boy’s sabotage! Sort of. The shark wasn’t jumped over quite like that, but has anyone really taken a step back to see how not-quite far off I truly was? Two guys are behind it, one of them an annoying, child-like character who’s more of an idiot than the movie thinks he is, and the other is a deep voiced frowning dude and Harris’ hairless scalp makes his head a little more brain-looking. To top it all off, the intention is for him to become the President of United States, America’s enemies all destroyed in the geostorm, and the new President risen up as a hero, making America stand firmly as the greatest country in the world. TELL ME THIS DOESN’T SOUND LIKE PINKY AND THE BRAIN!!!
Overall, I think if you went into this movie think it’d be good, then you’ve likely wasted your time. As for anyone else who knew exactly what kind of mindset to have when going in probably had a better time than most. It’s not a good movie, by any means, but for me, it’s ridiculously entertaining. From the characters to the destruction, I had a really fun time and kind of want to see it again. Hell, I wouldn’t even mind owning this on Blu-Ray when it comes out. I can see myself watching this many more times in the future. If you have a fetish for planet wide mayhem with some hammy acting to boot, then I think this is for you and therefore highly recommend it. This is an uncontrollable storm of amazing shit that it’s still a wonder to behold.
My honest rating for GEOSTORM: 5/5