Oh yeah, baby. I’m a good boy who needs a little corruption. Gag me with that terrible dialog. Whip me with pointless subplots that go nowhere. Now glaze my face with that piss-poor chemistry between the leading actors! And I ain’t got no safe word, so give me EVERYTHING YOU’VE GOT, YOU DUMB-SHIT MOVIE!!!
I should retire from blogging right here and now because I ain’t coming up with a better intro than that. Guys, you have no idea how excited I am for this movie! The previous two films are so bad that I kind of love them.
Originally, I imagine I was like most dudes when FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (2015) movie first came along. It looked like bullshit and God knows I wasn’t interested in watching BDSM played out in a mainstream Hollywood film. But then, one day at work, I watched just a small snippet of the film and the glorious line, “I’m fifty shades of fucked up,” was uttered and I immediately wanted to see it. Suddenly, I had the wild imagination that this movie what marinated in dialog just as bad, with acting just as bad to complement it. Plus, reviews seemed to suggest that this movie’s understanding of BDSM was about as in depth and accurate as, well, my own understanding of it… in that it’s shallow and doesn’t portray it accurately. Made my online to watch this stinker, and lo and behold, it was awful. It was everything I wanted to see and then some. By God, was the acting bad. Holy shit, was the writing horrible. It was… glorious. I loved every beating minute of this turd and I couldn’t wait to see the sequel.
You can read my review for FIFTY SHADES DARKER (2017), but summed up, I loved that just as much. Same shitty writing, acting, directing, the whole nine yards. But what astounded me was how many people didn’t like it as much as the first one. Not the genuine fanbase, but rather those like me who enjoyed how bad the first one was, but didn’t enjoy how bad this one was, citing how nothing happens, and this and that reasons. Um… did anything happen in the first movie? I don’t remember anything story-based that mattered. Eh, maybe that’s just me. I didn’t go into that movie expecting a good, finely woven tapestry of a story, and I certainly wasn’t curious to see where things would go story-wise in this movie. I went in with the mindset of, “Okay, a new scene is starting. Just give me terrible dialog, terrible directing, terrible acting, just give me something to laugh at,” and that’s exactly what I got. I took it scene by scene, not a complete narrative. Maybe that’s what set me apart from the rest.
Now we have this. The abusive relationship being unconvincingly passed off as the romance of the century is being taken to the next level with marriage, and if the poster is any indication, it looks like Anastasia Steele is going to be more assertive and dominating. The trailer may not be showing that, just an increase in appearances from former flames of Christian’s and a hint of more from that creepy stalker former boss of her’s from DARKER. I don’t care, guys, I’m just here for the spectacle.
Here’s the cast. Starring, we have Dakota Johnson (FIFTY SHADES DARKER, BLACK MASS , NEED FOR SPEED , THE SOCIAL NETWORK , and upcoming films BAD TIMES AT THE EL ROYALE  and SOUND OF METAL ) and Jaime Dornan (FIFTY SHADES DARKER, ANTHROPOID , TV show ONCE UPON A TIME [2011 – ongoing], and upcoming films ROBIN HOOD  and UNTOGETHER ). In support, we have Marcia Gay Harden (SHADES DARKER, GRANDMA , THE MIST , and FLUBBER ), Arielle Kebbel (AQUAMARINE , BE COOL , TV show THE VAMPIRE DIARIES [2009 – 2017], and the upcoming ANOTHER TIME ), Eric Johnson (SHADES DARKER, BANG BANG YOU’RE DEAD , and the upcoming A SIMPLE FAVOR ), Callum Keith Rennie (JIGSAW , MEMENTO , and TV show BATTLESTAR GALACTICA [2004 – 2009]), and Rita Ora (SHADES DARKER and SOUTHPAW ).
Now for the crew. Directing, we have James Foley, known for PERFECT STRANGER (2007) and TV show HOUSE OF CARDS (2013 – ongoing). Penning the screenplay is Niall Leonard, known for SHADES DARKER. Composing the score is Danny Elfman, known for JUSTICE LEAGUE (2017), GOOSEBUMPS (2015), CORALINE (2009), MEN IN BLACK (1997), BEETLEJUICE (1988), and upcoming films DON’T WORRY, HE WON’T GET FAR ON FOOT (2018) and THE GRINCH (2018). The cinematographer is John Schwartzman, known for THE BOOK OF HENRY (2017), JURASSIC WORLD (2015), THE BUCKET LIST (2007), THE ROCK (1996), and the upcoming THE UNICORN (2018). Finally, the co-editors are David S. Clark, who is making his editorial film debut (congrats, sir) and Richard Francis-Bruce (SHADES DARKER, HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE , and THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION ).
Overall, yes, I’m so excited. Bring on the bad everything. I am in desperate need of a good laugh.
This is my honest opinion of: FIFTY SHADES FREED
The wedding has passed and Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jaime Dornan) have gotten married and are enjoying the luxuries of their life together. But things get complicated when Jack (Eric Johnson) comes back into the picture, breaking into Christian’s apartment. Though he’s taken in by the authorities, it isn’t long before he’s let out due to a clean record, causing a great deal of tension, especially when Ana has possibly gotten pregnant.
Dude, I really wanted to like this movie, but I really didn’t. It’s so boring!
Look, I know, none of the Fifty Shades movies are good. I know that. But the previous two had such a quality of stupidity about them that wrought amazing entertainment value. “I’m fifty shades of fucked up!” You have lines like that! In DARKER, you had scenes of a dude dedicating an entire art gallery opening to photos of her, and almost immediately after, they’re all bought by Christian! Lipstick marks on his chest in one scene that bizarrely show up in another scene later! It’s weird, but hilarious shit like this that made the movies watchable and fun. But this… has nothing.
Problems are rehashed, like the both of them keeping secrets from each other, all in the name of “keeping each other safe” or “just trying to protect,” stuff like that. It wasn’t interesting the first time it got brought up, it’s nap-inducing when it’s brought up half a dozen more times. Christian is still a control freak, demanding that Ana keep her bikini top on despite being on a nude beach, and being completely befuddled when she’s defiant of him as if it’s the first time she’s ever acted that way toward him, which it isn’t. Constant fighting if he’s cheated on her, and practically running out on her when she tells him she’s pregnant. It’s things like this that make these characters either blander than bread, or so unbelievably unlikable that it’s a wonder why these two characters stay together. If people were complaining about how nothing happened in DARKER, then they hadn’t yet seen FREED where even less than nothing happens.
The remorseful thing is that this is Twilight for adults. You have otherwise really good, or potentially really good, talent that somehow end up in a movie that doesn’t prove how good they can be. If you watch either ANTHROPOID, or TV show ONCE UPON A TIME, Dornan is actually pretty good. If you watch her brief role in BLACK MASS, Dakota Johnson is surprisingly really good. But here, they look so disinterested in their own movie that it becomes painfully apparent and there’s no stupid, insane scenes to mask it. Now you just have a bunch of boring scenes with them acting all lovey-dovey that even the Lifetime or Hallmark channels would call trite, and more than a few sex scenes that were steamier in movies where kinky wasn’t the core focus, and BDSM scenes that were so tame that this movie could have easily gotten away with a PG-13 rating, were it not for the female nudity. By the way, no, still no male nudity outside of ass shots, which can be found in PG-13 movies. Oh sure, gotta show off Dakota’s tits and ass, but a penis on screen? Women can’t handle the graphic imagery! Fuckin’ please, the ONLY people seeing this movie are horny middle aged women (or if BOOK CLUB  is any indication, aging women in their seventies), the only nudity they’re interested is that slice of man-meat.
Was this a disappointment, you bet it is. But not because it was bad. No, that’s a given. No one should go into this movie thinking it’s going to be any good. The disappointment comes from, like I said, how boring it is. Nothing happens that warrants to be made fun of. I think this is a pass. There’s nothing redeeming about it. If you have to finish off the franchise because you’ve seen the previous two, save it for a rental, but even then, you’re not missing anything if you skip it. I didn’t miss the climax. It was empty, no passion, not even awkward enough to make fun of.
My honest rating for FIFTY SHADES FREED: 2/5
PS: Care to compare and contrast the books from the movies? Then pick up a copy of the books. Click the link below and enjoy the source material that many consider to be better.