If you have a shark attack movie that’s rated PG-13, are you sure it’s even a shark attack movie?

The story looks like it’s about a super advanced underwater station that gets a brief shark attack. Upon investigation, they discover an ancient megalodon, which then starts attacking people, and then the crew of that station try and kill it in turn.

Here’s the cast. Starring, we have Jason Statham (F8 OF THE FURIOUS [2017], MECHANIC 2 [2016], SPY [2015], and the upcoming HOBBS AND SHAW [2019]), Bingbing Li (RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION [2012] and THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM [2008]), Rainn Wilson (SMURFS: LOST VILLAGE [2017], and the upcoming REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN [2019]), and Ruby Rose (PITCH PERFECT 3 [2017], and the upcoming TV show BATWOMAN [2019]). In support, we have Cliff Curtis (RISEN [2016]) and Masi Oka (HEROES [2006 – 2010]).

Now for the crew. Directing, we have Jon Turteltaub, known for NATIONAL TREASURE (2004) and COOL RUNNINGS (1993). Co-writing the screenplay, making for a red flag total of three writers, are Dean Georgaris (TRISTAN + ISOLDE [2006] and LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER: THE CRADLE OF LIFE [2003]), and brothers Jon and Erich Hoeber (WHITEOUT [2009]). Composing the score is Harry Gregson-Willaims, known for THE EQUALIZER 2 (2018), THE ZOOKEEPER’S WIFE (2017), and THE MARTIAN (2015). The cinematographer is Tom Stern, known for 15:17 TO PARIS (2018) and SULLY (2016). Co-editing are Steven Kemper (MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE II [2000]) and Kelly Matsumoto (STAR TREK: BEYOND [2016]).

Overall… Can someone please just watch this Family Guy clip.

 

Please tell me that I’m not the only one who thought of this! And please try and convince me that this movie would be worse if this Family Guy clip was accurate. Seriously, it’s a shark attack movie with no over the top violence. Where’s the fun in that shit?! Personally, I’m calling it, it’s going to be boring and uninteresting. Oh, and can we officially call Statham a hypocrite? Doesn’t want to do a Star Wars movie because he prefers “true stories” as opposed to sci-fi. HA!!! I can’t claim to ever be a fan of this guy, but I take a special satisfaction to this being a thing.

This is my honest opinion of: THE MEG

 

(SUMMARY)

The Mana One is an advanced billion-dollar deep sea station, funded by the eccentric billionaire, Jack Morris (Rainn Wilson). They’re intent on venturing to the deepest depths of the ocean in the name of science to discover any manner of life and anything that hasn’t yet been discovered. Overseen by Dr. Minway Zhang (Winston Chao), and headed by Lori (Jessica McNamee), the mission is mostly a success, until something in the ocean’s deep attacks their deep sea submarine and their equipment… something big, leaving the fate of the diving team uncertain. They soon realize that this fits a pattern from five years ago, involving a rescue operation of a nuclear submarine that was attacked by something big as well. The mission was spearheaded by the gruff and tough Jonas Taylor (Jason Statham), who rescued thirteen of the sailors, but lost two of his friends in the process. He was labeled as crazy for believing that he was attacked, but now it seems that he wasn’t crazy, and is roped in to save the crew, discovering that the culprit is a seventy-foot long Megalodon shark.

(REVIEW)

GOD DAMN IT!!! It was THIS close to being that Family Guy clip! HA!!! The movie itself is… meh, but the fact that it was so close being a Family Guy joke made the experience so worth it.

Honestly, the advertisements are constantly calling this movie a cross between Jurassic Park and Jaws, but the beginning of this movie was screaming DEEP BLUE SEA (1999) to me. Think about it, the structure for a good chunk of this movie is nearly identical. The prologue scene is of a shark attacking a boat (submarine, in this case, but it’s still an aquatic vessel), and involving the protagonist saving the saving the day. Some time goes by and we’re introduced to an underwater facility via a rich dude being brought to it by a helicopter and a rickety old elevator. The similarities end when the Meg attacks the facility itself and ends up in open waters, and that’s where the Jaws part takes over. Seriously, no one else caught on to this? Sure, DBS didn’t have a giant squid or advanced submarines, but both still have a freakishly large shark to contend with.

And you know what, all this movie’s doing right now is making me want to watch DEEP BLUE SEA. Sure, 1999 film, the effects are very subpar compared to nowadays, but you know something, at least that shark movie knew how to have fun. You have semi-charismatic actors, cringeworthy deaths that were deliciously gory, and was heavy on action, and even had some semblance of a brain and tried to have smart conversations. So really, DBS was closer to Jurassic Park than this movie really is. The violence is pretty toned down, aside from whales getting eaten, and there’s just not enough destruction to warrant a lot of fun. Yes, yes, there’s a scene where an attack chopper fires at the Meg, and certainly the climax is over the top, stupid fun, but that level of fun is too far in between and really challenged my patience in getting there.

In fact, to compare this movie to Jurassic Park is an insult to Jurassic Park. What exactly is smart about this movie? The ocean depths stuff? Well, shit, I can question the science all day long, but this movie’s characters are about as smart as a first grade book report. I mean, the opening scene should be evidence enough. Jonas didn’t go back for his men on the nuclear sub because it was about to blow up. He took off with the survivors just in the nick of time. How did Heller (Robert Taylor) not acknowledge that?! To go back for those men wasn’t a matter of cowardice, it was SMART. Had they stayed, they’d all have been dead. The situation speaks rather crystal clear. Maybe you can brand Jonas as crazy for seeing a giant shark, but the truly insane, and frankly childish, one is Heller who is convinced that those men could have been magically saved. Where’s the intelligence here, again? Jurassic Park is significantly smarter than this movie. Even if it’s all about a “living fossil” going on a killing spree (like the mother f**kin’ T-Rex), then it’s still not an original concept. Knock-off dinosaur movies on the Syfy channel probably churn ten of those out every year. You really think this movie breaks that mold and earns it’s “like Jurassic Park” badge just because it has a bigger budget? Don’t make me laugh.

Few of the actors stand out. Statham is just Statham, being the same character he always plays. Hell, if you told me that this is the exact same character from MECHANIC: RESURRECTION, I might believe you. The characters are eerily similar. Both end up hiding out in some Asian country to live the simple life only to be interrupted in some fashion or other. Proving that the man’s career is repetitive. Ruby Rose as Jaxx is forgettable apart from her terrible English accent (hopefully that cleans up by the time her role in BATWOMAN comes on the air), same with Cliff Curtis as Mac, Masi Oka as Toshi, Chao, Taylor, and McNamee, all are utterly forgettable. The only ones who really have any measure of charm or gravity to their performances are Wilson, Li Bingbing (or however the correct order of her name goes) as Suyin, despite how stupid her character is in the beginning, and young Shuya Sophia Cai as Meiying, who arguably steals the show. She’s just so damn funny and adorable. Though, maybe I set the bar so low for this movie that anything of half-decent quality had no choice but to rise above that. Li Bingbing was properly bad-ass at times, and Wilson does have a natural charm to him that sold me on him being a billionaire wise-ass.

***SPOILERS***

 

 

 

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How close was this movie to the joke? Really think about it. When the Meg is out in the open waters, it destroys a boat and eats the people on board, leaving only a severed arm. Mmhmm. Then, when the Meg is caught, another Meg, even larger than the first, comes up and eats one dude and the dead Meg. Bigger Jaws. By God, if the other Meg wasn’t killed off and used to kill the other Meg, this movie would have been an instant five out of five for me. But this is close enough, so I get a decent enough laugh.

 

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***END SPOILERS***

Overall, no, this movie isn’t good, and I don’t particularly like it. But the hilarious comparisons that I can make with that Family Guy clip are too rich for me to say that seeing it wasn’t worth it. Objectively speaking, “Jurassic Park and Jaws on steroids”? More like a watered-down Deep Blue Sea. I won’t lie and say that some of the action wasn’t fun, but it really isn’t anything that hasn’t been done before and Statham doesn’t elevate the movie. But then again, I’m no Statham fan to begin with, so maybe this was never going to be my thing. But… I absolutely adored young Cai. She was the best part of this movie for me. She should have fought the Meg. Instant classic in that case. Sadly, that’s not this movie and it’s all the worse for it. As a recommendation, eh, I won’t say avoid it like the plague, but it’s gonna go in one ear and out the other.

My honest rating for THE MEG: a weak 3/5

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