No clever segue. I’ve been familiar with the title, but knew nothing about the premise. It’s based on a novel with the same name though, so I guess that’s something.
The story looks like it’s about a woman who can see into the future and doesn’t have relationships, knowing how they end, which has left her cynical and uncaring. But she’s still highly desired and one of her lovers wants her dead.
Here’s the cast. Starring, we have Amber Heard (JUSTICE LEAGUE , DANISH GIRL , ZOMBIELAND , and upcoming films AQUAMAN  and GULLY ), Theo James (UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS , ALLEGIANT , and the upcoming LYING AND STEALING ), Billy Bob Thornton (WTF , LOVE ACTUALLY , and PRINCESS MONONOKE ), and Jim Sturgess (GEOSTORM , STONEHEARST ASYLUM , and the upcoming BERLIN, I LOVE YOU ).
In support, we have Jaime Alexander (THOR  and THE DARK WORLD ), Jason Isaacs (DEATH OF STALIN , INFILTRATOR , Harry Potter CHAMBER , GOBLET , PHOENIX , DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 1  and PART 2 , and upcoming films LOOK AWAY  and HOTEL MUMBAI ), Cara Delevingne (VALERIAN , SUICIDE SQUAD , PAPER TOWNS , and upcoming films FEVER HEART  and LIFE IN A YEAR ), Gemma Chan (CRAZY RICH ASIANS , TRANSFORMERS 5 , FANTASTIC BEAST , and upcoming films MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS  and CAPTAIN MARVEL ), and Johnny Depp (SHERLOCK GNOMES , ORIENT EXPRESS , YOGA HOSERS , BLACK MASS , CORPSE BRIDE , and upcoming films FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD  and RICHARD SAYS GOODBYE ).
Now for the crew. Directing, we have Mathew Cullen, making his feature film debut. Congrats, sir. Penning the screenplay is Roberta Hanley, known for stuff that I’ve either never seen or heard of. There are a questionable three composers: Adam Barber (stuff that I’ve either never seen or heard of), Benson Taylor (stuff that I’ve either never seen or heard of), and Toydrum (stuff that I’ve either never seen or heard of). The cinematographer is Guillermo Navarro, known for HELLBOY  and II: THE GOLDEN ARMY (2008), SPAWN , and the upcoming THE VOYAGE OF DOCTOR DOLITTLE (2020). Finally, co-editing are Fred Fouquet (stuff that I’ve either never seen or heard of) and Joe Plenys (stuff that I’ve either never seen or heard of).
By God this movie looks awful and trying way too hard to be this edgy and dark erotic thriller. I really hope this is a “so bad that it’s entertaining” kind of thing going on, but I doubt it. It’s sad because I absolutely love some of the talent in here. Jaime Alexander, Jason Isaacs, they’re such great talents, so I’ll probably enjoy them if nothing else. But nah, I think it’s going to be bad.
This is my honest opinion of: LONDON FIELDS
Samson Young (Billy Bob Thornton) is a successful novelist and has arrived in London to stay at a friend’s luxury apartment where he meets three people, the lowly and unsavory Keith Talent (Jim Sturgess), the posh and upscale gentleman Guy Clinch (Theo James), and the beautiful femme fatale, Nicola Six (Amber Heard), who happens to be able to see into the future and knows that she is going to be murdered by one of these three men who lust after her.
Oh wow, this is about the hottest mess I’ve seen this year and I have no idea what to emphasize. Hot, or mess.
You know what this is? Amber Heard porn. Argue me, I dare you. Nearly every shot of this movie shows her in some scantily clad outfit… or out of it and acting sexy. By God, this movie wants its audience to think Heard is sexy. This movie really wanted you to stare at her body and tits. Hell, there’s a line in this movie that almost sums it up perfectly. “I’m afraid that the critics will only see you as male fantasy.” Congrats, movie. That’s pretty much all that Heard is in this movie. It’s like FATAL ATTRACTION if Madonna was trying way too hard. She’s pure objectivity. It’s not like Nicola is a complex character with feelings. She’s not even smart enough to try and avoid her own murder. One would think that the ability to see into the future would have a few benefits regarding one’s own murder. Just saying. She doesn’t express any real emotion or reveal anything interesting or meaningful about herself. She’s pure eye candy who just loves to tempt men and screw with their lives.
Actually, that’s exactly what happens. Despite knowing exactly what happens to her, she kickstarts the entire process. She could have easily ignored the men that were hitting on her, but opted to humor them anyway. It’s basically that scene from AUSTIN POWERS with that security guard screaming “NO!” as Powers drives a steamroller toward him incredibly slowly, but does nothing to avoid his incredibly avoidable fate. That’s this entire movie. But in the process, she ruins a marriage, and nearly threatens to have a child taken away from her family. For really no reason other than to be a bitch.
The acting is beyond hammy. Everyone acts less like their in a gritty, sexy crime thriller, and more like in a really bad soap opera. It’s all about the desperate voices, the “Take this money and you’ll be safe” followed by worried glances and thousand mile stares. But by far the best actor in the movie, and when I say that, please understand that I mean the most entertaining and over the top performer, is Sturgess. I’m fairly certain that his mouth never closes and is always baring his bottom teeth. He reminds me a of a growling bulldog. There wasn’t one second of him being on screen that I could take him seriously. He was just too precious. Best part of the entire movie. Weirdly enough as well, this might also be one of Johnny Depp’s better performances since BLACK MASS. It’s nothing memorable, but he’s not bad. He plays this gangster called Chick and is constantly hounding Keith for money and is his primary rival in the Dart Competition.
Oh, did I mention that? There’s a dart competition in this movie. Don’t worry, it doesn’t tell you that until much later on.
God, I don’t even know what else to describe. The writing is pretentious, the plot makes no sense, there is some truly awful green screening, and so many more problems that I wouldn’t have enough time in the world to list them all. With that said, this movie was a real hoot, doing the “so bad, it’s pretty entertaining” thing. Would I ever watch this movie again? Probably not by myself, as I have friends who would either love or hate this. As for me, not good enough for a repeat viewing, but good enough to get a laugh out of me. As a recommendation, I might say viewer beware. Unless you want a glorious trainwreck, then this might not be for you. But for the rest, I might say that it’s so fascinatingly bad that it’s worth the watch.
My honest rating for LONDON FIELDS: 4/5
This week’s reviews:
Next week’s reviews:
- BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
- BOY ERASED
- THE NUTCRACKER AND THE FOUR REALMS
- NOBODY’S FOOL
- A PRIVATE WAR