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Happy New Year, everybody! Hope everyone had a great one! Bonus brownie points if you stayed safe. Hope everyone’s geared up for the next 365 days and those New Years Resolutions that you’ll never commit to. Unless… you’re serious about that stuff, then go git ‘em, tiger! Show those resolutions who’s boss! But I’m not here to be an inspiration, I’m here to give 2018 a wave goodbye by looking back on the worst and my least favorite films of the year.

As per usual, this list is just my opinion. Agree or disagree, don’t lose your heads. Especially those of you that disagree.

This is my Honest Bottom 10 least favorite and worst films of 2018!

#10 – LIFE OF THE PARTY

Ugh, starting off great here. Alright, full disclosure, this is the only movie on this list that I didn’t give a 1/5. This is because, and this is the only credit I’m giving this movie, it could have been so much worse. The movie sucks big time, but there’s a shocking lack of bodily waste humor, bathroom humor, gross-out humor (minus a profusely sweating scene), and any number of other jokes that make my list of comedy no-nos. With that said, this movie is relentless in how not funny it is. The story follow McCarthy’s character who goes through a divorce with her husband right after dropping their college daughter off on her first year. In order to do something with her life, she goes back to college herself and “comedy” ensues. Yeah, basically a horrendously unfunny version of AN EXTREMELY GOOFY MOVIE (2000). Hell, just watch that and you’ll get an idea of what this movie is like. McCarthy never shuts the hell up, as if rambling her lines for several minutes somehow equals comedy. I like McCarthy as a person and she’s been in some truly great roles before, but this is definitely one of the worst. She just needs to stop working with her husband and she’s all good to go. As is, this movie is really bad, but not the worst.

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#9 – THE DARKEST MINDS

Now we’re getting to the true pile of crap this year dumped out. It’s already pretty hard to make legitimately good Y.A. movies based on their respective books, but at least some of those ideas were good. However, if the Y.A. genre needs to die, this is a good sign that it’s starting to pass on. The story follows a young girl played by Amandla “I’m a better actress than I’m allowed to be” Stenberg who is trying to survive in a world where superpowered children are feared, hated, and horded into concentration camps. Yeah, so basically a contemporary version of X-Men with some Auschwitz thrown in, and that’s all that this movie is. Bland and the occasional pointless characters, terrible world-building, unearned romances, and has absolutely nothing going for it to stand out in a market completely dominated by better movies of this class. Seriously, poor Stenberg. She had a rough year and it’s sad that her best movie is the racially charged film THE HATE U GIVE, which was one of the least original films of the year too. I hope the best for the cast, but this was a terrible flick.

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#8 – DAMSEL

Jesus Christ, this one… Okay, this is a western about Robert Pattinson coming home from a long journey with a tiny pony that he intends to bring back to his wife, played by Mia Wasikowska. On paper, that may sound harmless enough, but it’s so much worse than you might suspect. Imagine if Robert Pattinson was as obnoxiously in love with a woman like his entire pre-pubescent fanbase from the Twilight movies were with him. Yeah, that’s his character. All he does is creepily talk about how in love he is with his wife. In fact, it’s so weird that I joked that maybe they weren’t even married. Well… guess the @#$% what? That’s actually the twist of the movie. And you think I’m spoiling the final act of the movie. No, this is the halfway point. Trust me, I ruined nothing for you. The movie is so annoying and unlikable, so bafflingly stupid that even two mini bottles of champagne couldn’t help me get through it.

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#7 – MILE 22

What the @#$% happened here?! How did Peter Berg, the filmmaker behind such great movies like LONE SURVIVOR, DEEPWATER HORIZON, and PATRIOTS DAY come up with such an unfocused and horribly shot movie? The movie follows an elite ghost team of government soldiers who are trying to stop a bomb from going off, and the only way to do that is by getting the passcode from a guy who wants out of the country before he’s killed by bad guys. This movie has a great cast, from Mark Wahlberg, Lauren Cohen, and Ronda Rousey, but they’re all wasted. Much like Melissa McCarthy from LIFE OF THE PARTY, Wahlberg doesn’t shut the hell up. He’s trying to cash in on his TED ability to rattle off lines in quick succession, but fails to be charming, intimidating, or have any semblance of bad-assery. He’s just annoying. To make matters worse, the story makes no sense and the action is so sickeningly shaky that’s on par with a Michael Bay film. I don’t know what the hell happened with this movie, but I’m glad I never have to see it again.

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#6 – A WRINKLE IN TIME

Mmph… Wow, this movie. Alright, so this story follows a teenage girl who is trying and failing to cope with her father’s disappearance after he had a breakthrough in his research in “wrinkling” the space-time continuum. However, her world changes when three mysterious, otherworldly women come to tell her that they can help her find her father. While I can’t say what the book is like, something’s telling me it was a lot more coherent than this pile of crap we got. The characters are bland, or awkward, especially Charles Wallace and the adult characters. And not unlike MILE 22, this movie came out of Ava DuVernay, who made SELMA. Clearly, she knows how to direct and bring out a great performance, and yet that talent is staggeringly nonexistent here. Even the likes of Reese Witherspoon and Chris Pine don’t save anything. This story gets so sidetracked that it’s more fun watching people on Youtube make fun of the movie than actually watching it.

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#5 – LIFE ITSELF

This movie was quickly labeled as “this year’s COLLATERAL BEAUTY” and it’s really easy to see why. The story follows… actually, the movie is so unfocused that it doesn’t follow any one person, but spans generations, each going through their own version of life problems. However, the tone for this movie is more twisted than a case of Red Vines. One story involves a character coping with his failed marriage, but does it in a quirky way that makes no sense with a resolution that really didn’t fit the light-hearted tone it was clearly going for. Another follows an angst-y teen, another follows a random-ass family in Mexico- you see the problem yet? Nothing sounds like it ties together, and even though it does at the end, it’s done in a way that feels unbearably pretentious. It’s like that weird kid in your English class in high school who’s complaining about how there’s nothing to complain about, but thinks they’re spouting the most Earth-shattering of truths. Ugh!

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#4 – HOLMES & WATSON

Hey hey! For once, Will Ferrell didn’t make it to my #1 or 2 spot! What improvement! Give it up for Will everyone! Heh heh… with that said, he’s still in my top five, but I guess… baby steps. The story follows Sherlock Holmes and John Watson as they try to solve the mystery of who is threatening the Queen of England’s life. The only reason why I don’t agree with the 0% on RottenTomatoes is because this isn’t the most offensive movie Ferrell has done. I think the Daddy’s Home movies are blatantly sexist for no reason. At least, given the time period, the sexism is accurate. But that’s the only thing I can say that’s positive, and it’s about the use of sexism. This movie is awful. It’s still got entire scenes dedicated to gross-out humor, is terribly unfunny, and does nothing with its own material. It may not be 0% bad, but it’s definitely in that ball park.

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#3 – SHOW DOGS

@#$%!!! This movie follows the wild and crazy antics of a K-9 dog, voiced by rapper Ludacris, and an FBI agent, played by Will Arnett, who are forced to team up against their will in order to catch a bad guy who is hiding within a canine beauty pageant. Look, I know this is a kids film, and kids films have a tendency to be silly, but… come the @#$% on, people! Neither Disney, Pixar, Dreamworks, or even Blue Sky ever had to resort to fondling the testicles of a dog multiple times to get a laugh. The movie doesn’t even make sense. Like, the dogs clearly understand the humans, but it’s only revealed at the end of the movie that the humans don’t understand the dogs. There are so many scenes that clearly show that Will Arnett understands dog-Ludacris, but… nope! Screw all of that! The CGI is awful, the jokes are punishing, there’s nothing to recommend about this. Only a Raja Gosnell film can make me question if his movies are a form of animal cruelty.

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#2 – THE OATH

For all intents and purposes, this movie gets my vote as the worst movie of the year, but my #1 may be pretty self explanatory when you get to it. But this film… Jesus, this film. It’s set in an alternate America where people are being rallied to sign away their loyalty to the President of the US in exchange for benefits from the government. But one suburban family, a married couple played by Ike Barinholtz and Tiffany Haddish, have refused to sign it for their personal integrity, all the while set around Thanksgiving and extended family comes over. What follows is one of the most excruciating tests of mental stability as all this movie features is people screaming around a dinner table about politics. Yes, that’s all that this movie is. Not a single character is likable, mostly because every character is awful and insults each other. Nothing is smart about the writing, which is clearly supposed to be a satire of our current political climate. But if that wasn’t bad enough, the film throws out a pair of goons that work for the government who are low-key those guys who put black bags over people’s faces that disagree with their government’s policies and take them away never to be heard from again. Except here, the family fights back, but once again, the stupidest of decisions get made. Assholes screaming at assholes, it’s just not funny. It’s maddening. It’s atrocious. It was one of the hardest movies to sit through this year.

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#1 – PETER RABBIT

… … …

I don’t even know where to begin with this. This movie is a new spin on the classic Peter Rabbit story by Beatrix Potter. Except now he’s a wise-cracking, fast-talking, trouble-maker with a rivalry with Mr. McGregor. I took this movie as a personal insult. Why? Because Peter Rabbit has been a huge part of my childhood. I have Potter’s entire collection of her little stories, and my mother has little figurines from those stories that are older than I am. There is a deeply ingrained idea of what I would want a Peter Rabbit movie to look like. It would need to be wholesome, simple, and smart with a good moral about respect, of both your mother, and of other people’s things.

This movie is anything but.

Peter is certainly a trouble-maker in his own right in the book, but not with his sisters. They were good little bunnies. And I’m taking a wild guess here, Beatrix Potter never saw the comedic possibilities of these animals making college streaking humor, never imagined Peter as a heinously unlikable character, and the morals as obvious as a flashing neon sign. Do I even need to mention that it’s James Corden voicing Peter? Why? Just… just why? Why is Corden so popular? Where did he garner his popularity? In THE EMOJI MOVIE? OCEAN’S 8? All of which were just amazing movies, right??? Or when he was cracking jokes at the expense of the women who were victimized by Harvey Weinstein?! I’m trying to understand why he finds work and why people still show support. I think I even saw tweets that said even the U.K. didn’t like the guy. And this is the man you put as the voice of Peter Rabbit? It doesn’t even match. Corden as a man is questionable. As a comedian, he’s simply not funny. Why did Peter Rabbit need to be a comedy anyway? Okay, kids movies are too afraid to be dark and gritty like Don Bluth’s early work, but this was about as bottom-of-the-barrel as you can get with a movie like this. Not only do kids deserve better movies than this, but Beatrix Potter deserved more respect than this as well. I truly and deeply hate this film and would never even dream to show it to a child. I’d rather just read the book to them.

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One Reply to “HONEST BOTTOM 10 movies – 2018”

  1. I’ve never read the Peter Rabbit story by Beatrix Potter. Maybe that’s why I found Peter Rabbit tolerable. I don’t know. I don’t think it was that bad. Then again, I don’t watch movies of this kind very often. 😀

    Like

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